A Note From The Author
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Forward By The Author
Thank you so much to the following, whom I could not have written this book without: Frank, Christopher, Kendra, Channler, Dave, Xander Norman, Dereck, Kally, Benjamin, Kathy, Marvin, The Road Home Staff, The Wiegand Center Staff and the others who inspired me to write this. Thank you for their support.& my family and friends, you know who you are.
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1. The Shot to the Chest
1. Joey & His Birds
3.From Across The Street
Chapter 2. Stop Resisting, Dirt Bag!
1. Water Dream
2. What To Do
3. Where Ander Went Next
4. Dave Took the handcuffs Off Of Ander And Told Him to ‘Kick Rocks.’
Chapter 3. I Got The Poop Again!
1. The Disguise
2. Foiled Again
3. Yes, Poop!
4. Doctor Faustus
Chapter 4. I Guess It Does
1. It’s Ander
3. In Terror
4. The Escape
Chapter 5. Enter Marvin
1. The Stranger (Not Albert Camus)
2. You Need A Plan
3. Hours Later
4. Your First Test
Chapter 6. Yow!
1. Pre-emptive Action
2. A Deer In Headlights
3. The Next Step
4. What Is Rightfully Yours
Chapter 7. The Real Battle Begins
1.The Woman in Black
2. Like There Was No Tomorrow
4. The Real Battle
Chapter 8. The Guards Divide
1. You Will Pay
2. The Battle Begins
3. I’m the Joker
4. BANG BANG BANG!
Chapter 9. The Duel Interlude
1. On Foggy Day
2. The Wizard Duel
3. I’m A Girl!
4. The Poop Again
Chapter 10. The Red Light
1. The Brightness Of It
2. Who The Heck Are You?!
3. A Gift
4. Metalic Music
Chapter 11. The Mairey
1. A Walk by the Pond
2. I Can See That
4. A Crashing
Chapter 12. A Deal
1. Fed Up
2. To Hell!
3. An Idea
4. The Words.
—CHAPTER 1: The Shot to the Chest [Monday, July 1st]
- Joey & His Birds
On a particularly peculiar morning Joey Happyrock was out in the Ender Wiggin Park training his beloved pigeons with a special bird whistle that he had recently found at the ‘It’s New To You’ thrift store for a price that he could not refuse. Joey was a larger than average man, actually he was the size of almost two average men -a hundred and fifty pounds overweight- ‘but when you work in a kitchen,’ he told people, ‘what can you do?’ Joey had had the birds for several years now; the first one (Danny Elfman) he had found wounded on the side of the road one day whilst riding his bicycle to work. He ended up putting it in the bike-basket, riding home, and calling in sick to work. The next couple of days he stayed home and nursed the pigeon’s broken wing. It was no easy task either, but fortunately there were online tutorials on the subject that helped him out quite a bit.
Todayhe was listening to his headphones (shout, shout, let it all out….) and yes, he was lost in the eighties band ‘Tears for Fears’ which were, in his humble opinion at least, the best band of that mixed up decade. The pigeons liked it, he found, when he sang out loud and they tended to obey his commands more often than when he did not He had already taught them to flip, dive and return to him; so he was confident about having them fly in public today for the first time.
2.Security Mudd Meanwhile, just a few yards away, the charitable ‘Church of CHRISTina Aguilera’–a new age secular church that serviced the followers of the popular pop singer– was serving coffee and doughnuts to the local homeless people that gathered in the park. It was mostly the homeless that came, but also joggers and walkers that wanted a break from their exercises and or an excuse to conversate with one another. “Remember that our Lord is like a genie in a bottle, that we must rub the right way!” said Reverend Tina Holiday, who was just finishing up her sermon.
Twenty two year old Cassius Mudd was in charge of security that day, making sure that people did not cut in line and were civil to one another; and most of them did tend to obey the six foot one hundred and sixty pound blonde man. He was quite polite despite his stature and treated the often disrespectful with much undeserved
3.From Across the Street
From across the street, we see Ander (a homeless man) putting on a fake mustache and dark sunglasses. Why would he be doing this, you may ask. Well I will tell you; last week Ander had gotten into an argument with another homeless man in the coffee line and ended up pouring scolding hot coffee in the man’s face. Cassius the guard had called the police and, needless to say, Ander was no longer allowed to get coffee from the church while they served in the park any more.
Just then, Cassius noticed a figure with a hood, dark sunglasses and a suspiciously thick mustache approaching the line. He took off his own sunglasses and squinted. “Ander,” he realized. Cassius walked over to the man slowly and when he tapped him on the shoulder from behind, Ander turned around violently and punched the man in the face-giving him a bloody nose “Screw you piggy-wiggy!” Ander shouted in reference to Cassius being ‘of the law’. Cassius quickly recovered, “It doesn’t have to be like this Ander.” he said while holding his nose with one hand and reaching for his taze gun with the other. “Oh yeah?!” screamed Ander, reaching in his coat. Cassius did not wait to see what Ander would produce from his pocket and shot him in the chest. ‘ZAP!’
Ander flew back, bumping into the pigeon trainer-Joey,-who accidently blew hard into his bird whistle. Suddenly the frightened birds began pooping from above the crowd: ‘PLOP!’, poop came down on Ander’s and Cassius’s heads from above, as they acted on the command from their master.
“CraAAAAAHHHHHHp!” shouted Ander as he fell on the ground with electricity circuiting through his body and poop on his face.
“Crap!” said Cassius, wiping the poop from his head.
“Crap, my feathered friends!” shouted Joey in jubilation-and laughing hysterically “Crap like you’ve never crapped before!”
“What seems to be the problem, Cass? Said a young man in his twenties approaching slowly.
“Hey Fausto, your friend here was causing trouble. I’m willing to let him go as long as you take him with you. You know I hate when people go to jail.”
“I appreciate it, Chris,” (Cassius’s nick/middle name) Fausto said, giving the
guard a handshake.
“C’mon Ander, lets make tracks.” As they walked they sang the hit, Beat It, by the self-proclaimed king of pop Michael Jackson.
Fausto and Ander left the park and got on the public Trax transit rail.
“So I’ve got an idea for you, pal.” said Fausto, taking a Bible out
of his Jansport black backpack.”
“Puh-puh-please don’t get, FUCK!, religous on me Faust. You kn-know that-SHIT,FUCK!- that is the last thing that I need.”
“Just listen,” Fausto said to his friend, whom others called Touretter (as in tourett’s syndrome and Ander mixed together, clever yes?), while he pulled out a piece of paper from the last page of the Bible. He handed it to Ander,
who read it to himself, so that he did not have to curse:
“Letter to St. Jude:
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally,
as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost despaired of, Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my
assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities,
tribulations, and sufferings, particularly –
(make your request here)
– and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever. I promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever
mindful of this great favor granted me by God and to always honor you as my special and powerful patron,
and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
Ander folded the paper and tried handing it back to Fausto, who refused it.
“Here’s the thing, Ander,” Fausto said leaning closer to Ander, whom he was sitting across from on the bus, “If you write this out nine times and leave it in this special church that I know about for nine consecutive days, that means-”
“I know what the fuck-FUCK! it means, Faust!” interrupted Ander impatiently.
“Okay, sorry,” continued Fausto, “then your prayer will be granted.”
The two old friends looked at each other for a long moment before Ander
folded the piece of paper, put it into his blue hoodie sweatshirt pocket and said, “I’ll think about it, okay.”
From there they went to the aforementioned special church. After departing from Faustus at Liberty Park, Ander made the many mile trip back to the church…
Chapter 2: Stop Resisting, Dirt Bag! [Tuesday, July 2nd]
- Water Dream Ander woke up that day from a rather strange dream that involved a turtle.
“I must be remembering Hawai’i” he thought. Ander had been born on the
island of Maui before moving to O’ahu after his mother died when he was three years old.
Ander never knew his father, only that his name was Oliver. The man had left his mother, Lily, before he was born.
Ander was now laying on the grass across the street from the park looking through his binoculars. “Damn!” he said to himself. Not only was Cassius, the
security guard there at the Wiggin Park, but he had back up as well. Two burly men called Brutus and Dave.
Brutus was short and stalky with a black head of hair, him and Ander used to
be spotting partners at the Planet Fitness gym until the jerk bastards revoked his membership for something that was beyond his control.
Even though he had produced a doctor’s note, certifying that he indeed had terette’s, too many people complained about him. “Why don’t the-the-they mind SHIT-ASS! FUCK! their own business?” he had pleaded to a sympathetic manager, who paid him off in gift certificates.
Brute’s partner, Dave was stalky as well, without hair at all; not that he was balding just yet (although hairloss was prevailant in his family gene pool, dammit!), he just liked to shave his head every day and, when asked,
told people that he subscibed to the doctorines of Buddhism- which was half true- he was actually Jewish, but had read a lot of Eastern philosophy in college- much to his Rabbi’s discontent- and approved of them.
Ander said aloud to himself. Now he also spotted Christian and Kendra as well. Christian was a self righteous asshole with a capital ‘A’ in Ander’s opinion, but Kendra was okay. He liked her because she was attracted to females, which was pretty sexy in Ander’s book- not that he had one. ‘Two dudes? No way! Two chicks? Okay’ was his thought.
Ander was born in a time of gender-inequality.
“This isn’t going to be easy.” thought Ander, as he hummed to himself the lyrics, “one way, or another, I gonna getchya getchya getchya!”
in reference to the much coveted free coffee that he was denied.
- What To Do
He pondered and he pondered about how he was going to get those damn doughnuts and coffee; and now it was getting close to 8:30am, when they stopped serving.
“The heck with it!” he said and charged foward.
Brutus was the first to notice him and held out his hand,
“Stop right there, pal.” Ander put his shoulder forward and knocked Brutus
on his butt. “Take that copper!” Ander laughed. “This will be easy.” he thought. “Might makes right!”
Cassius saw what had happened and pulled out his tazer and fired a shot,
but did not hit him.
“You missed me, sucker!” Ander yelled back at him.
When he turned forward again he saw Christian and dived between his legs, and then got up and kept on towards the goal: coffee and doughnuts. “I’m gonna getchya getchya getchya-yummy!”
One guard remained: Kendra. She was ready with her weopon: the tazer, but was no match for the hulking Ander who dodged it and then shoved her down to the wet grass.
Meanwhile, just a few yards away, Joey Happyrock was once again training his pigeons that day and saw what was happening. He gave a whistle to get them together.
Ander got to the front of the line and grabbed a handful of doughnuts and a cup of coffee. “VICTORY IS MINE!” he yelled in triumph.
Just then Joey whistled a high pitch ‘zing’ and the pigeons, gathered
high above, began pooping all over him and even into his coffee.
“NOOOOOOOOO!” he screamed.
“Yesssss!” screamed Joey in delight. “Poop once more, my feathered friends, poop once more! Ahahahhahaha!” he laughed.
Suddenly from the side came Kendra and tackled Ander to the ground.
Next came Christian with handcuffs ready, followed by Cassius and Brutus. They pulled out their tazers and fired them into Ander’s ‘crotchal’ region.
“Stop resisting, dirtbag!” Brutus said laughing.
“That’s enough, guys!” Dave yelled, walking up, his Buddhist instincts kicking in.
“Mind your own business, Dave, this guy has it coming.” Cassius said.
Suddenly a pigeon dive bombed and pooped on all the guards. Dave stood back and laughed. “You’re right,” he said “it’s NONE of my business!” 3.Where Ander Went Next. Ander was picked up and escorted off of the property. 4.Dave took the handcuffs off of Ander and told him to ‘kick rocks.’ So Ander went, then, to the Pepper Pond Public Library and wrote out nine more copies of the magical Saint Jude’s prayer he was told about.
Later he ran into Irish Kristie and Fausto, who were taking the bus to the Apollo Burger Restaurant, which had the best double bacon cheese burgers you could find in the city.
“How’s that working out for you, Ander?” asked Fausto.
“FUCK-SHIT-TITS-ASS!, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” he said back while nodding to Kristie.
“We’ll catch up some other time then.” Fausto said as he and his lady friend left the bus trax.
Chapter 3. I Got The Poop Again! [Wednesday, July 3rd]
- The Disguise Ander had just gotten out of the hospital for ‘crotchal treatment’ for tazer burns and was quite intent on finally getting his deserved coffee and doughnuts-even though he was still banned from doing so.
“I’ll get them this time!” he said to himself, putting on a long blonde-haired wig to disguise his short black
hair and to compliment the dress he was now wearing. ‘They definately won’t know it’s me!’
In his female disguise he started out for the line, trying his best to walk like a woman.
- Foiled Again
Brutus, the brawny, seasoned security guard, noticed him immediately and nudged his partner Cassius. “It’s Ander again, Cass, let’s go in,”
Cassius looked to the sky to make sure it was clear of pigeons. He had absolutely no intention on being pooped on again today.
So far so good.
Meanwhile, Joey-the Pigeon Wizard-was just coming into the park with a cage full of birds. He thought it was just the lovliest weather for flying; and so it was, not a cloud in the sky.
“Hold it right there, Ander!” Brutus said, pulling out his tazer and pointing it at the cross-dressed man.
Just then Joey released his pigeons from just a few yards away. Cassius saw this and yelled for Brutus to handle this one himself; for he was in no mood to be crapped upon again.
Brutus just shrugged and went up to Ander, pulling the wig off of him with one hand and pointing the tazer with the other.
“Rats!” said Ander, “foiled again!” 3.Yes, Poop!
Joey was amused by the happenings, so just then he let out a high pitch whistle and his dutiful pigeons swarmed above Brutus and Ander and began pooping.
“No!” yelled Ander and Brutus in unison, as white pigeon poop fell on them from above.
“Yes, poop, my feathered friends!” Joey cried. “Poop, for the love of the founder-Columbus! ahahahhaha!”
“Yes!” Cassius cried from just feet away, grateful to be poop-free.
Joey gave another whistle and the pigeons turned in flight. Joey gave yet another whistle and the pigeons began pooping on Cassius, getting him directly in the eyes.
“Gosh darn it,” Cassius said, “I got the poop again!
Just then, a boy walked by listening to his stereo out loud. “JUKE….BOX…HERO!” blared from the speakers, by the band Foreigner.
He looked at Cassius and then sang: “He’s got POOP in his eyes!” and laughed. 4.Doctor Faustus
Ander wiped the feces from his coat and jogged away.
“How are you, my friend?” asked Fausto, walking up from the east.
“Oh, hey FUCKING FUCK! Fausto. I’m doing o-o-okay. I just got pooped on by the dang birds-FUCK-SHIT!”
“Sounds pretty crappy to me.” Fausto said with a grin.”
“You know, you’re pretty funny sometimes.”
“Where you heading now, Ander?”
“Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve been feeling pretty good about that Saint Jude prayer thing that you told me about. I’m head-head-head-FUCK!- heading
over to the library to make some copies and then over to the ‘special’ church to leave them.” said Ander in earnest.
“Good for you pal.” said Fausto. “Well, I was just heading over to get some coffee. I’ll see you.”
“See you, Doctor Faustus!”
Chapter IV: I Guess It Does [Thursday, July 4th]
- It’s Ander!
Holding the umbrella close to his face, Ander walked into the park where the ‘Church of CHRISTina Aguilera’ was serving. Ander was actually surprised that they would be out here, it being Independence Day and all; but hey, this was Pepper Lake Pond, and Pioneer Day was the real holiday of July.
Cassius, Brutus, and Kendra were all working security this day- but Ander didn’t much care, for he had a plan that would finally get him coffee this time, so he thought.
Just as he saw Brutus begin to approach-doing his Christopher Walken impression for one of the homeless guys, Nolan, who was actually a friend of Anders as well- to his part of the line, Ander sent a call to Kathy-commonly referred to as ‘Chatty’- who then moved in on Brutus and began a conversation. ‘Hey you big brute, been hitting the gym lately I see.’ she said to him.
Ander smiled and thought to himself, ‘Finally, I’ll prevail!’; and he did.
Just as he had received the coffee and doughnuts, however, the churchman recognized him and yelled out to the guards: “It’s Ander!”
Cassius and Kendra heard the call and ran after him. Ander threw his hot coffee at Cassius, who ducked.
It then splashed all over a homeless man with a long grey beard that was standing nearby. “Funky ass grabbing gophers!” the man shouted as the coffee splashed in his face.
“Did he just say-” began a girl, but was cut off as the man repeated: “Funky ass grabbing gophers!” and she cracked up laughing.
Kendra tackled Ander to the ground. The man who had been ‘coffee’ed’ said, “Wait a minute, mam.”
Kendra raised an eyebrow before realizing the man’s intentions and then backed away as the man gave Ander a solid kick in the stomach. “That’s for the coffee asshole!” he said. 3. In Terror
“Cassius, get out your cuffs.” Kendra said to her partner. Cassius looked up to the sky to make sure there were not any pigeons nearby and then got his ‘cuffs out.
Joey had just arrived with his cage of pigeons and was currently unleashing them into the sky.
Cassius was about to put the handcuffs on Ander but first began to phone the police.
Just then Joey whistled and his pigeons began flying towards Ander, Kendra, and Cassius.
Cassius dropped both the cuffs and the phone as he looked to the sky. “Crap*!” he cried in terror.
Cassius ran to where Ander had been initially tackled and grabbed his umbrella, just in time; because just then Joey let out another whistle and his pigeons began pooping all over.
“No! Not Again” Ander yelled.
Kendra tried to run, but Ander rushed the female guard and she fell to the ground where she was then shat upon along with him.
“No, no, no!” Kendra shouted.
“Ha ha ha ha, victory is mine!” Ander yelled. “You still got shitted on,” Kendra said, to which Ander frowned.
Cassius laughed at the sight. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew away his umbrella.
“Jesus!” he yelled. A man walking past looked at him and said, “Nope, Just Douglas,” chuckling to himself.
“Out of the way, pal!” Cassius said as he ran past the false savior.
Joey, the pigeon master, saw him fleeing and whistled again. The pigeons re-grouped and followed after him.
One pigeon pooped, but Cassius dove and rolled in the grass, narrowly escaping.
“Curses!” Joey yelled from afar.
Again he whistled and the rest of the pigeons flocked together and then pooped on the downed security guard.
“Dang, it!” he said. “Dang it, dang it, dang it!
Just then, the Douglas fellow walked by and gave Cassius his hand to help him up.
“Shit happens, my friend.” he said plainly.
“I guess it does.”Cassius said, taking off his poopy black hat. “I guess it does. 4. The Escape
While Kendra wiped the poop from her black shirt, Ander took advantage and ran away. Just then a boy lit off a cherry bomb and this frightened a pigeon
that was flying directly over Ander and it pooped on him again.
Hours later, Ander put holy water on his forehead as he entered the church and smeared leftover pigeon poop.
“Damn it!” he said
“Watch you toungue for Christ’s sake.” said a man nearby. “We’re in a fucking church.”
Ander smiled and walked away with the nine copies of his prayer to Saint Jude.
Chapter 5: Enter Marvin [Friday, July 5th]
- The Stranger (Not Albert Camus)
Ander had almost given up on ever getting coffee & doughnuts from the ‘Church of CHRISTina Aguilera’, he was laying beside a weeping willow tree
one morning, after getting back from the secret church, in the Ender Wiggin Park when he heard a voice say,
” Well is ya going to get your coffee and doughnuts, young feller, or aren’t ya?”
Ander looked up, but had to squint, as the sun was in his eyes.
“No sir, they just poop on me every time.” Ander replied, mostly to himself rather than to the strange man that appeared before him-
‘probably a bum’ Ander thought.
- You Need A Plan
“You need a plan, son…wait a minute, who poops on you, youngster?”
“The birds!” said Ander, now beginning to get annoyed at the man. They’re commanded by their leader, the Pigeon Wizard. He makes them poop on me!”
The older man laughed. “Now that’s some funny shit, if I do say so myself!”
“Don’t laugh at me, you old buzzard!” Ander got up, enraged, and ran after the man who quickly produced a bull whip and with a “wha-peesh!”
had caught Ander by the ankle. He pulled the whip and Ander went head over heals, so to speak, and hit his head on a rock while he fell to the ground.
Hours later, when he awoke he heard the same voice say, ” if you’re through acting like an ass, we’ll come up with a plan to get you in that line, Ander.”
“Why do YOU care anyway?” said Ander rubbing his head. ” And How do you know my-”
“It doesn’t matter young whippersnapper! My name’s Marvin, and that’s all you need to know.”
Here, the tall bearded man with a cowboy styled hat threw a bag of crushed ice to Ander, who caught it and asked, “What’s this for?”
“For your head, son, you took a nasty spill. Maybe you’ll think twice next time….that temper of yours is nothing but foolish pride, Ander.”
Ander suddenly had a change of heart.
“Show me your ways, O Marvinous one.” Ander said half sarcastically and half with awe.
Suddenly music began playing from a boombox as a passerby passed by, “I want YOUUUUUU….to show me the way!” blared from the speakers, sung by Peter Frampton.
“And mind that tounge of yours while you’re at it, lest I whip it off!” Marvin said with a snarl.
“Yes sir.” Ander said and then closed his mouth tight. He somehow belived that Marvin could do what he said.
“No ‘Sir’, just call me Marvin. We have a lot of work to do Ander and the day is still young.
Hours later, a female security guard approached the men and said,
“Hey Ander, gotta present for ya!”
“Oh HELL no.” said Ander, in fear of being tazed by her. 4. Your First Test
“Hell YES!” Marvin said with a smile. “Here’s your first test.”
Chapter VI: Yow! [Still Friday, July 5th]
1. Pre-emptive Action
“What is it?” Ander asked.
“This!” she said, pulling out her tazer and firing upon him.
Ander moved quickly to the left, narrowly avoiding the taze.
“What the heck do you think you’re doing, you crazy oompa-loompa?!” he yelled. This angered Channler, as she was always being
made fun of for being so short.
“Preventing the usual scene, Ander.” she said. “Instead of going through our regular routine of you sneeking up and me and my having to remove you,
I thought I’d save us both some time and just remove you before you start any trouble.”
Chapter 6. Yow!
1. Pre-emptive Action 2.A Deer In Headlights
“Crap!” he yelled.
“Don’t just move, Ander, stand there!” Marvin yelled to his young apprentice. “Ander looked like a deer inlights.
“Oh, you know what the hell I mean!” Marvin yelled again.
Just then the guards Cassius, Dave and Brutus ran up, tazors ready in hand.
“Hold it right there!” Brutus said, firing his tazer gun. Ander moved to the right and the tazer shot to Marvin, who caught it with his bull-whip before it could hit him.
“What the heck!?” Brutus yelled in his Christopher Walken voice impersonation. Infact, all the of the guards were rather shocked.
3. The Next Step
“Marvin then pulled and the taze gun came to him. He then picked it up and fired at Brutus, who was shocked pretty good and fell to the ground shaking.
Dave was ‘shocked’ at what was happening and moved in to combat with Marvin. Unfortunately for Dave, he was no match
and was soon hog tied on the ground with the extra rope that Marvin just happened to have on his belt.
He looked to Cassius and said, “you want some, too, pal.” 4.What Is Rightfully Yours
“I don’t even wanna be here, man, it’s just my job!” Cassius yelled.
“Then I suggest that you get moving young man.” Marvin said with a wink.
“Yessir, thank ye sir!” Cassius said, running away.
Marvin tossed his whip to Ander.
Ander quickly whipped Channler in the butt.
“Yow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she yelled out in pain. She began to run but Ander ran up behind her and wrapped the whip around her arms and waist.
“And if I ever see you so much as REACH for that taze gun around me,” he said, “I will NOT be so merciful.”
“Yes, mister Ander, sir!” she said. He released her.
“Well done youngster. You stood up for yourself at last. Now go and take what is rightfully yours.
Ander smiled as he walked up to the doughnut line. The crowd moved to the left and to the right as he approached. It was the proverbial parting of the sea.
Channler walked away and Cassius gave Ander a salute with a smile as he walked up to him.
“Just so you know, Ander, I never wanted it to be like this. I was told by my superiors that I had to; but I’ve always respected you, man.”
“I figured as much,” said Ander, sipping his coffee. ” I figured as much.”
Marvin and Ander walked away into the morning.
Kendra, another security guard who had seen all the action, put her hand on her tazer and followed them.
Chapter 7. The Real Battle Begins [Still Friday, July 5th]
- The Woman in Black
Marvin and his new apprentice, Ander, were walking into the morning mist, and the security guard in black followed (hat tip to Stephen King).
Her name was Kendra and she had just seen her fellow guards taken out, save Cassius, who had retreated.
“Hold it right there, guys!” she yelled, taze gun pointed at Ander.
The men turned.
“Listen, lady, we don’t want any trouble.” Marvin said, taking off his cowboy hat; but Kendra was in no mood. She had just seen her girlfriend Channler get whipped.
“Well, you’ve got trouble whether you want it or not!” she retorted.
Ander took a sip of his coffee. “Bring it.” he said softly.
Marvin, in one quick motion, whapped the gun from Kendra’d grip with his whip.
Kendra then made a whistle with two fingers in her mouth.
Suddenly Joey Happyrock came rushing up with his cage of birds. He knelt down and set them free. He was there, as per usual, to train his pigeons.
- Like There Was No Tomorrow
Ander went wide eyed, “Holy crap!” he yelled and began to run.
Marvin grabbed him by the shoulder, “You’ve gotta face your fears, son.” he told Ander.
“But-but-but…they POOP on me, EVERY time!” he said with fear.
Just then Joey let out a whistle and the pigeons began to position themselves in the sky.
“Cassius, get your skinny but over here NOW or I’ll have you written up!” Kendra commanded.
Cassius had no choice but to obey. He looked to the heavens fearfully. He had seen this scene many times before and was never happy with the outcome.
“Crap!” he said to himself; but he went over to Kendra anyway.
Joey whistled again and on command his birds began crapping like there was no tomorrow.
“NOOOO!” Ander yelled as he got pooped on. Marvin quickly put his hat back on to avoid the worst of the pigeon poop.
Cassius tried to put his security jacket over his head, but was not quick enough and was thoroughly crapped upon. 4. The Real Battle
“Gosh dangit!!!!!” he cried.
Kendra got poop in her neatly styled black hair, which then turned white; but this was only the beginning. The real battle was near at hand…..
The Guards Divide [Still Friday, July 5th]
Chapter 8. The Guards Divide
- You Will Pay
Cassius was through taking orders from Kendra, and the rest of his fellow guards for that matter.
He rarely believed in the job that he was paid for and usually took the side of the people that he was supposed to ‘guard’.
He went to where Marvin and Ander were. “Need a hand?” he asked them.
“Welcome aboard, Cassius.” said Ander. “Good to be.” he replied.
“Wait for me!” yelled Brutus, who joined the three.”
“And ME!” yelled Channler, running up.” Kendra was furious. “We’re SO over!” she thought.
“Traitors!” cried Kendra. “You will pay DEARLY for your insubordination.”
- The Battle Begins
Joey, the pigeon wizard, stood alongside Kendra, Tyson, and Brutus. Dave, whose shift was about to begin, came along just then,
“Welcome aboard, Dave.” said Kendra. “The heck with you guys!” Dave said as we walked past them and over to Ander’s side.
Kendra fumed and her face turned red with anger.
Next came a man dressed as Batman, the dark knight from the DC comic books. It was the security guard called Dereck, who was in the park to shoot a Batman movie scene with his friends, who joined Kendra’s team.
“Here we go!” he yelled, and the battle began thus:
Marvin took out his whip and went for Dereck, who had his bat-a-rang ready and threw it and Marvin’s hand,
disarming him. Marvin ran at Dereck, who picked the old man up and threw him into a trash can. “My back!” he yelled in pain.
Kendra pulled out her taze gun and shot at Cassius, who easily dodged it with catlike reflexes.
He pulled out her own tazer and shot her in the crotchal region. As she had nothing there to taze, she was unaffected and laughed as she pulled out the end of the taze.
“HAHAHHAA!” she laughed again. Just then Channler ran over to her and jumped up high (as she is rather short) and punched Kendra square in the jaw and Kendra went down.
Joey blew his whistle and sent a mighty pigeon after Channler, who ran to a tree for cover, but the pigeons began dive-bombing her on Joey’s command.
Brutus ran after Dereck and the two went to hand-to-hand combat. It was quite the battle. Although Dereck was quite larger than Brutus, Brutus had much more experience. Dereck pulled a knife, however and stabbed at Brutus in the stomach. Frank went down. Dereck reched down to grab Brutus, who was only pretending-the knife did not penetrate, as Brutus was wearing a stab-proof vest. Frank reached up and grabbed Dereck by the crotch and squeezed hard. Dereck yelled out in pain and hit the ground.
3. I’m the Joker
Ander thus joined the battle and began kicking at ‘Batman’ saying “I’m the joker, ahahahhaha!” 4.BANG BANG BANG!
“BANG BANG BANG!” gun shots erupted as the Pepper Pond City Police department arrived……
Chapter 9: The Duel Interlude [Monday, July 8th]
- On Foggy Day
Marvin gave Ander the wand from the an old willow tree; after days of spell training, Ander was finally ready to wield it.
“Art thou preparest for the duel, young one?” Marvin asked.
“Ready, sir!” said Ander in earnest, gripping his new wand with wide eyes.
“Then let us begin.” Marvin said.
- The Wizard Duel
The two went back to back. “Read….go!” Marvin shouted and the two began taking inified steps away
from each other, counting all the while. When they finally got to seven, the two turned and pointed their individual wands
at one another. Marvin was the first, and he shouted: ” Puella!”
A pink light went from his wand and hit Ander, who then grew long hair and a big pair of breasts.
3. I’m A Girl!
“I’m a girl!” he shouted. Enraged, he pointed his own wand and yelled:
“Columba!” A white light went from his wand and hit Marvin, who then changed into a white pigeon.
Marvin grabbed his wand with his bird feet and flew over Ander who was zapping every this way and that trying to get him.
Marvin then pooped on Ander’s head. 4. The Poop Again
“Nooo!” he cried. “Not the poop again!” Marvin cooed, which was a bird laugh.
“Crullllll!” said Marvin, which of course in pigeon means “Cevus”.
Ander was thus transformed into a deer.
Marvin then flew to a shop window and pointed his wand at the image of himself and cooed once again,
changing himself back into a man.
Marvin then went to the deer in the park and changed it back into Ander, who was chewing grass.
“Yuck!” he spat out the grass. “Hey, that was pretty fun!” Ander exclaimed.
“Your first wizard’s duel.” said Marvin, picking his cowboy hat off the ground and fitting it to his head.
Chapter 10: The Red Light [Friday, July 5th]
- The Brightness Of It
Just then, a glowing red light came down from the sky and everyone had to shield their eyes from the great brightness of it.
Slowly then the light began to retreat into a single spot that formed a man that was fifty feat tall.
He had on a cape and a capital ‘G’ was imprinted on his naked red chest.
“Petty people, quit your bickering at once before I change you all into toads!” he said in a booming voice that made their bodies tremble.
- Who The Heck Are You?!
Ander looked up at him and shouted, “Who the heck are you!?”
I am Ken Garf, that’s who the Heck I am, puny Ander!” the god-man replied.
He then reched into his cape and removed a small chest; that is, it was small compared to the giant,
but quite large to the rest of them.
3. A Gift
“This is a gift for you all, though I daresay that you even deserve it.”
He then set the box before his own feet. “Use it wisely, my little friends. Fare well.” Then there was a great blast of red light again and Ken Garf shot up into the the sky.
“Wow!” Marvin said, opening the chest and seeing glowing coins of gold. 4.Metalic Music
Suddenly there was music playing, as if from inside the chest itself. The song was ‘Stairway to Heaven’ by Led ZepPlin.
“There’s a lady who’s sure…”
Chapter 11: The Mairey Interlude [Friday, July 5th]
- A Walk by the Pond
While the others dug into the chest of gold, Cassius went his own way.
He walked along the pond for a while and then retreated into the woods that flanked the park.
Then he came to a very large tree and said out loud, “Wow, now THAT is a tree!”
“Yes, indeed, Peter.” said a tiny female voice.
Cassius reached for his tazer, pulled it out and pointed all around himself, saying, “Who’s there?! I warn you, I’m armed.”
- I Can See That
“I can see that, but your weapon will have no affect on me, I’m afraid.” she said.
“Where…WHO are you?” Cassius said, holstering his gun. “And I’m sure you’re mistaken about me, my name’s Cassius.”
“Cassius?” the voice said. “One of those who betrayed great Ceaser? You Cannt be him.”
She then scratched her head a thought a moment. “Perhaps you are just named after the fiend. Silly Human.” she laughed.
Suddenly a naked woman about two inches tall appeared in front of Cassius’s face. She had orange hair and glowing green eyes.
She was floating in midair much like a humming bird.
“Wow, you’re beautiful.” Cassius said, almost to himself. The creature giggled.
“My name is Zinka.” she said.
“What ARE you?” asked Cassius in amazement.
“I’m a mairey.”
“Is that like a fairey?” Cassius asked. “Kind of, only we love humans and never play tricks on them. Really,
faires are more like mairies, only less so” she said.
“Why are you here?”
“I’ve been watching you, and to tell you the truth, I thought you were someone else. A boy named Peter that never wanted to grow up.
It’s okay though, I still like you.”
She began singing the song by the band, ‘The Get Up Kids’, which went like this:
“Can you sleep as the sound hits your ears one at a time?
an unspoken balance here, unabridged for so many years
that i should stare at receivers to receive her isn’t fair
don’t worry i’ll catch you
don’t worry i’ll catch you
don’t ever worry.”
Cassius smiled and closed his eyes. Zinka continued:
“Your arms in mine, anytime
i wouldn’t trade anything
you’re still my everything
to my surprise, before my eyes, you arrive
don’t worry i’ll catch you
don’t worry i’ll catch you
don’t ever worry
no need for reminding… you’re still all that matters to me.” 4. A Crashing
Just then there was a crashing of symbals and Cassius was awakened with a start.
He was alone. ‘Was it only a dream?’ he questioned.
Cassius looked up to the sky and a bright orange star suddenly appeared, burned brightly, and then went away.
Chapter XII. A Deal [Tuesday, July 9th]
Chapter 12. A Deal
- Fed Up
Ander was sick and tired of writing out St. Jude’s prayer.
A part of him wanted to believe that it would work- a miracle to get him a wife- and a
part of him thought that it was just hocus pocus.
- To Hell!
As he stepped in front of the secret church, he thought, ‘to HELL with it!’ and threw the papers violently to the ground.
He walked away feeling stupid for having believed in such superstitious nonsense.
A great wind blew just as someone was exiting the church and the papers flew inside.
3. An Idea
Ander walked into a nearby grove and sat on the ground. Thinking about superstition, he remembered a book he had once read
where a man had made a deal with the devil. 4.The Words
So he spoke out loud what he could remember:
““Be propitious to me, gods of Acheron! May the triple deity of Jehovah prevail! Spirits of fire,
air, water, hail! Belzebub, Prince of the East, monarch of burning hell, and Demogorgon, we
propitiate ye, that Mephistophilis may appear and rise. Why dost thou delay? By Jehovah,
Gehenna, and the holy water which now I sprinkle, and the sign of the cross which now I
make, and by our prayer, may Mephistophilis now summoned by us arise!”
Ander ended up getting his wish. He got a wife, just not the kind that he imagined. After dealing
with the Devil, the police showed up and arrested Ander for tresspassing. When they found that he had a warrant for
previous violent crimes, he was sentenced to six years in Pepper Pond county jail, where he met a man
that became his “wife.”
Ander sighned his name on the last page of the release forms- he was now a free man; sure , he was seven years older than when he had been admitted, but he was free.
He walked down the front steps with a sense of enpowerment to an awaiting taxi-cab.
“Heil Ander.” said an old but familiar voice. It was his old mentor.
“Marvin, you old dog!” Ander shouted. “Get in, pal, we’ve got a lot to talk about involving your future.”
So they talked of secret things that not even I, your humble Author, know of. Needless to say they eventually were dropped off at the Street Hous Homeless Shelter on Rio Pecueno Street. “The Blessings of the Lord are upon Thee, Ander.” said Marvin.
“As they are on you, Old Man.” Ander said with a smile. “Good show.”
The day after his release, Ander went to the Fence-Way Mall, across the street from the RPHS to pruchase new clothing. After all, we must keep up appearances, but not vainly.
Next he went to Sweeney Odd’s Barber shop for a shave and a trimming of the hair. He tipped generously, as he always did to the one he trusts under the razor. Then down to Missus Haitus’s Meat Pie Emporum for a beer-a Heinekin, to be sure.
Now Ander thoughht to himself: Self, am I ready for coffee? ‘Nay’ was the answer, but he went to the 4th street Park anyway, just to say guttan tag to an old friend or three.
He saw Randell Jones and Cayson Ramey rapping near a rubbish bin bonfire:
“I’m Home Alone, like Kevin McCalister, and more evil than Crowley, Aleister;
Oiled the floor and soaped the greasy banister, splat on your dome like a melon from Gallagher .
Now that you’re, paying attention to this, I’m quick like silver like the ring upon my shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
PepperLakePond gotta listen to this song, I got it going on like the dusk until the dawn
Like a Vampire, raging against the Evil Empire- Quagmire, gigitty git to Co Hog; frog on a log catchin’ flies for my blog.
I do not want, that would be a flaw.
I’m like the Penguin, like Danny DeVitto,
swimmin’ in the pond, Chris Walken gets the Veto;
runnin’ for mayor now to service my lebido,
but I am too fat to fit in this tuxedo
M.K. was the bat, and J.N. told the joke;
Val Kilmer’s Real Genius, Cheech & Chong’s up in smoke.
Elizabeth Shoe, she don’t know what to do;
Adventures in Babysitting, nobody leave ‘out singin’ the blues.
Weird Science was sung, by an Elf Man:Danny
he liked little girls and kept a collection of their panties.
Now I rule the world, like Tears for Fears, hold your sneers Mister Queer as I drink another Beer.
I’m in the dark like H.P Lovecraft, I use a pound of salt for my blood red soap bath.
I pass up light, because I am just that fast. Praise the Lord and His Son forever ’till the Clash.”